Evans Above

Paris Hilton says she’s giving up the public life in two years. If she doesn’t I think we should hold her to it.

The sex tape star told Newsweek that “I don’t enjoy going out anymore. It’s such a pain. It’s everyone saying, ‘Let’s do a deal! Can I have a picture?’ I’m just, like, ‘These people are such losers. I can’t believe I used to love doing this.’”

Gee, Paris, if it’s so bad couldn’t you just get outta our faces now?

In most first-person shooters, the player has to kill everything in sight, but that sort of freewheeling use of ammunition is usually frowned upon in most big city police departments. You know things like killing innocent bystanders and destroying property unnecessarily can sometimes take a toll on one’s police pension. That restraint gives an added tension when you enter a dance club in SWAT 4 that’s been taken over by rival gangs. You have to decide in a split second whether the person crouched in the corner is merely hiding from the violence or planning to shoot you and your fellow officers. That doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be killing all the bad guys either. The career mode of SWAT 4 gives higher points to successful arrests. Apparently, the legal system has this whole “trial by jury” thing that they like to do.

Some of the scenarios are quite disturbing, including a high-risk arrest warrant service on a __Silence of the Lambs__-like serial killer that had me turning on all the lights and reaching for a comedy flick. I guess killing ‘droids on a far-off space station doesn’t have the same personal resonance that quietly searching through a suburban home does.

If I did have one complaint, it would be that suspects die too easily. Several times my SWAT team confronted an hostile suspect that just didn’t want to give up easily. I’d aim for the foot or leg and he’d die just as fast as if I’d popped him in the head. In those situations, I should be calling for the paramedics and not the coroner.

SWAT 4 is rated M for mature.

Why is Entertainment Tonight spending so much time (and cash) covering the Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau wedding?

They’re showing interviews with Jann Carl, Mary Kay shopping for a wedding dress, and finally the ceremony and reception.

I realize that some people have a morbid fascination with stuff like this, but where does it fit into an entertainment news show’s mandate?

Why does every reject from The Apprentice create a website that is Flash only? Have they ever heard of accessibility?

It’s time to sell your TV.

First season Apprentice loser Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth will be trying to extend her fifteen minutes again as she has joined the cast of VH1’s The Surreal Life 5. Fellow Z-listers include Carey Hart, Sandi Denton, Caprice, Janice Dickinson, José Canseco and Bronson Pinchot.

If you’re into nightmares, take a look at Apprentice 3 “wiseguy” Erin Elmore’s site.

She’s one of those reality contestants who keeps going on about her beauty…let’s buy her a new mirror that works..

I also like how she kept saying she was a high-powered corporate attorney, yet now she’s the host of some local “what’s on” show in Philly. I can almost hear the 15 minutes ticking down.

Our hotel is just up the street from the Kodak Theater. There’s always a weird post-partum feel as they take the whole Oscar glitz down.

Our last day in Las Vegas and our entertainment will come from one showroom in one hotel: The Shimmer Cabaret at the Las Vegas Hilton.

The Vegas Hilton is an off-Strip convention hotel with a lot of business clients. Though it boasts the Star Trek Experience attraction and a busy casino, it still comes across as a slightly less hectic place to hang out, which can be a welcome relief after pushing through hordes of tourists on the Strip.

The Shimmer Cabaret is an intimate 300-seat room that plays host to the two acts we were seeing tonight, David Brenner and Aussie Angels. The two shows played in the same room, but they couldn’t have been further apart.

David Brenner has long been a favourite of mine. He’s the comedian they coined the term “observational humour” for and his ability to zoom in on life’s foibles has not diminished. Though the observational elements are still there, Brenner said that he needed to challenge himself in order to stay interested in stand-up. He decided to focus on current events and now read dozens of papers and magazines while watching news shows. He cuts things out or jots them down on index cards and brings his clippings with him on stage, so he can look for new material each and every day. From the war in Iraq, to weight loss, to prosthetic testicles for dogs, Brenner skewers a wide range of targets. His informal nature and the intimate setting made me feel like we were in on the thinking process of this comic icon.

Date: Nightly, Dark Thursdays Time: 8:00 PM

The only thinking an hour after Brenner’s show probably occurred below the belt, if at all. The Aussie Angels are part of the raunchier “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” marketing tack that many hotels are now using. In a city where the British Navy was replaced by the Sirens of TI, it only makes sense to toss eight sexy Aussie girls into a room full of people who’d be willing to go Down Under with them.

Many Las Vegas show have a hierarchy that features dancers and showgirls. The dancers are the shorter gals who can move quickly from hip-hop to ballet and jazz while the showgirls are the tall, leggy ones who can move gracefully with large feather headdresses and heels while strolling around topless.

In Aussie Angels, the hierarchy appears to be a little different. Apparently, some of the girls were cast in the show only to discover the topless requirements when they arrived in Vegas. Some stuck by the letter of their contact, while others had no problem with the skin. Some say that’s just a rumour, but it would go some way in explaining why, in a show with such a small cast, four go topless and the others don’t. All of the girls strut their stuff in solos, but the two most statuesque girls literally leave the audience wanting more while the emcee coos, “Isn’t she a tease!”

Because of the room’s small size and the lack of elaborate sets or costumes, the show does come across as an attempt at a musical production in a strip club. Though the stage is minus a pole, the girls do writhe about, strut through the audience, and pop their tops midway through songs. There’s some awful audience participation moments and the emcees are stuck with awful lines like “Where’s the best place to root in Melbourne? Right, my house!”

Unlike shows like Zumanity and La Femme that mix art with their eroticism, Aussie Angels coms off as a strip show with better choreography. Of course, you can’t hold them to the same critical standards you’d use reviewing a Kubrick flick. If you’re looking for hot, sexy Aussie lasses prancing in their undies, then Aussie Angels will fill the bill. If you’re looking for slightly higher production values considering the price is higher than a strip club cover charge, keep looking.

The Angels left Vegas on April 30th, taking their G-strings to Atlantic City.

Our trip to Las Vegas is beginning to wind down. The timing of the trip was dictated by the fact that we are heading to Los Angeles for our annual Academy Awards coverage. Mid-February is a cool time in Vegas and we also hit one of the few times in the year when it can rain for days in a row.

Our Day 6 evening would have us heading over to the Rio to watch Penn & Teller. I love their act when I’ve seen them on TV, so seeing them live on stage was going to be a real treat. We continued to zip around the Strip for most of the day, checking out the MGM Grand, Mandalay Bay, Excalibur and Luxor. So much to see in this city. There are still many shows that we haven’t seen and fine restaurants to check out. Next time…

We took the shuttle bus from Harrah’s to Rio. We were there in no time flat. The Rio is off the Strip but they’ve packed the place with so many entertainment, shopping, and dining options that you could probably spend a few days here and never leave this one location.

When we arrived at the theatre we were greeted by the sight of a pianist being accompanied by Penn Jillette on double bass. Penn eventually left, while he pianist kept asking the audience to come up and inspect the two boxes on the stage. They’d be part of the opening trick and the pair wanted the audience to be able to know every nook and cranny of those boxes before they did the box escape challenge.

When the show started, Penn promised the audience a magic experience unlike any other in Las Vegas. He showed disdain for a few of the other magic acts in town and the pair even showed the audience how a few of the standard illusions popular in other magic shows are done. Penn is able to keep a dizzying amount of patter going; his words are his version of the beautiful assistant that distracts you from some of the magician’s actions. Teller, also known as “the shorter, quieter one”, performs his segments in silence. Penn is the guy who is able to weave socio-economic comments into a juggling routine while the diminutive Teller handles a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to physical stunts. Even Penn admits this helps create a tension for the audience as no one wants “the cute one to get hurt.” Teller’s schtick with a rabbit and a wood chipper effectively trashes the “cute one” label.

The show’s pace never seemed to lag and I could’ve stayed there for a few more hours. Your mind is effectively played with. You leave the show knowing how some illusions are performed and completely clueless about others.

Daily (Dark Tue) 9:00pm

Two shows lined up for today. We contrast last night’s half-empty new show with a sold out ten-year-old Vegas veteran, Cirque du Soleil’s Mystère. Mystère, which runs in a 1,600 seat theatre at Treasure Island designed especially for them, features a cast of 70+ acrobats, clowns, comedians, actors, singers and musicians. Like most Cirque du Soleil shows, Mystère comes from a mystical place. Director Franco Dragone says that “Mystère is a voyage to the very heart of life where past, present and future merge, and all of our emotions converge. Mystère is the enigma of time, the bearer of hopes and dreams but also of tragedy.”

If you’re the sort of theatregoer who is willing to surround yourself in a sensory experience that defies the norm and pulls references from a variety of theatre styles, then Mystère is for you. If you’re the type of theatregoer who doesn’t get what the heck the director was talking about, Mystère is still for you if you focus solely on the talent of the performers and their work on aerial cubes, Chinese poles, hand-to-hand acrobatics, bungees, trapezes and Korean planks. I think only the dead wouldn’t get any enjoyment from this show. Even if your idea of art is Elvis on black velvet, you can’t help but have some part of your heart and soul touched by this performance.

Showtimes: Wednesday – Saturday 7:30pm & 10:30pm Sundays 4:30pm & 7:30pm

After Mystère, we rushed to Harrah’s to catch the monorail to the Tropicana Hotel where we were going to see Folies Bergere.

Folies is now in its 46th year at the Tropicana. Like Jubilee, Folies Bergere is the traditional Vegas show with dancers, singers, topless showgirls, and specialty acts. It doesn’t have all the stage mechanics of Jubilee, which gives the audience time to actually focus on the flow of the show. The shows lead singers, Traci Ault and Dan O’Brien, display much more personality in their performances than the lead singers in Jubilee, the proof being that I actually took the time to learn their names. O’Brien, who reminded me of American Idol’s ill-fated co-host Brian Dunkleman, is given the task of introducing Folies Bergere’s clunky segues. The theme of the show is women through the ages. After a dance from the Twenties, O’Brien must intone that “Yes they had the vote now, but the women of the Twenties were also sexy!” and lo behold we get a topless number. “Today’s woman runs companies, but she’s still sexy!” Clothed-topless-clothed-topless-specialty act.

Specialty act? I guess I should investigate the history of Vegas more, but the showgirl shows, from Splash to Jubilee to Folies Bergere, all stop the dancing at one point and bring out a juggler, acrobat or comedian. Obviously it gives the showgirls a chance to take off the feathered headdresses and relax for a few minutes, but topless girl/zany juggler is the dictionary definition of juxtaposition. In the case of Folies Bergere, that task is handled by amazing comic juggler Wally Eastwood. His juggling style and self-deprecating humour are so well done that the audience doesn’t realize that he probably makes the same “errors” and comments each and every performance.

Apart from the clunky segues, Folies Bergere is still populated by talented dancers, good singers and beautiful showgirls. As a 46-year-old show, it’s a grand throwback to the original Vegas shows. In a city that literally blows up their landmarks, catching this show is a must.

7:30 p.m. & 10 p.m. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday. 8:30 p.m. Tuesday & Friday Dark Sundays